accidental toy

moments of accidental poetry from this toy: higher learning; he or i understand the monongahela incline; i swear. the thrill that they’ve overcome their shyness now. at least in friends! he’s feeling in a wiretap with a known universe. this? and i understand i have toyed with the past. i’m in the people, i am so the gesture. i refuse to disagree with chainsaws. i talk about the swollen and i’m looking for a fortune off the year of god i built a harmless place (and i would be). how you too: shy to rip it was two, you to remember. you have become a plastic cow necklace almost exclusively. we saw we should be a contiguous storyline; her dimpled hand flitting at the thrill of my friends: and if i lied about this, i don’t fit in with my...

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Posted on 28 Feb 2001 | Comments Off

yoohoo, catch twenty-two

the friends-only lockdown didn’t exactly work. i just avoided this place, which isn’t at all good, not because i’m all that attached to online journaling but because i refuse to avoid dealing with my feelings anymore. repression is not your friend; repression hangs out after school behind the bleachers and smokes with your other not-friend lack of closure. stay away. so, in the future, i will probably continue to write friends-only entries but the bulk of my spew will be directed at my ever-adoring, anonymous public. come on, you didn’t really think i’d lock you out of my o-so-profound inner life, did you? <chokes on the tongue lodged firmly in her cheek> the truth is, i have always had a problem with the fact that not everyone...

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Posted on 27 Feb 2001 | Comments Off

happy birthday, update *surprise*

saturday we managed to roll out of bed at a decent time, decent enough to see the free screening of “monkeybone”, which was disappointing although visually fun. afterwards, chad and i headed in a northerly direction up to sonoma state university, where i may be attending graduate school. we of course toured the university library specifically, which blew me away. it’s got a frickin’ art gallery inside it! i immediately fell prey to the usual pangs of missing university libraries and just missing college in general. not who i was then, or where i was, but the whole process of going to classes and doing homework and learning. that’s something i’m really good at: higher learning. well, i’m not sure about the...

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Posted on 26 Feb 2001 | Comments Off

happy birthday, update three

i was so grateful to leave work on friday night. the effusive happiness had left me a bit drained, but in that warm, full way, and i wanted to take a nap before chad took me out to dinner. so that’s what i did. my naptime was filled with really bizarre dreams, so while i woke up feeling refreshed, this residual surrealism surrounded me and made it difficult for me to focus on anything. (this is a major reason why i try not to catnap; naps cause supremely weird moods in me.) chad took me to wildfox in novato; i think that link might be broken temporarily so i’ll describe it as a very nice grill sort of place we wanted to visit ever since we saw it open last summer. (that’s the best i can do, really. the coffee hasn’t kicked in yet.) i had...

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Posted on 26 Feb 2001 | Comments Off

happy birthday, update two

i feel obligated to mention that the pre-birthday festivities began last night with overwhelming dorkiness on the ‘stedcam and a late-night trip to denny’s with chad and chris. these are just good things on any day, especially good last night. so the well-wishes are still pouring in, and sarah gave me the two david sedaris books she’s been raving about, _me talk pretty one day_ and _naked_, and i am listening to big head todd and the monsters and thinking, “why can’t every day be my birthday?” not for the nifty presents and emails and calls and stuff, but just for this overwhelming good feeling in the gut, the preening pride even though i’m in casual-friday jeans, the way i smacked the gate latch exactly right on the way...

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Posted on 23 Feb 2001 | Comments Off

happy birthday, indeed

frank chu watch: omegatronic(he’s also requesting the impeachment of jackson, not bush, today) my birthdays just get better every damn year, i swear. this morning i have already received two birthday phone calls, a ton of birthday email and livejournal wishes, a cat-kiss and a dog-snuffle, and, in the crowning moment thus far, i actually witnessed frank chu put down his omegatronic sign and hold his hands in the air like he just didn’t care. that’s right, folks. frank chu raised the roof for my birthday. i am blessed. that is all for now.

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Posted on 23 Feb 2001 | Comments Off

one more day

tomorrow is my birthday and I HAVE NOTHING PLANNED. this could not be a bigger hint. actually, i amend that. i get to attend a two-hour workshop on the new employee handbook. i am so lucky.

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Posted on 22 Feb 2001 | Comments Off

shelved angst

i am not avoiding this; yesterday was just crazy. i had so much shit to do here that i barely remember breathing. i now truly understand what having a love/hate relationship is: i have it with my job. some days i just hate it, and then other days, like last wednesday, i really love it. i went to another large architectural firm in the city to tour their library, and get some pointers on how i can stay afloat in this place when it’s such a total mess. (i know i say it’s a total mess a lot, but it truly is. there isn’t even a functioning catalog. in a library. i know. and yet i persist …) it was such a morale boost, really. the librarian there has been around for about 20 years and you should see how respectfully the people there treated him....

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Posted on 22 Feb 2001 | Comments Off

no ’stedcam chat tonight

i’m feeling worse instead of better than i was yesterday and this morning, so the ‘stedcam chat scheduled for tonight is cancelled. see you next week.

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Posted on 20 Feb 2001 | Comments Off

sick of

so yeah, in case you are wondering about the drastic lockdown action here, it’s because i have yet again stumbled across a scurrilous yet cleverly vague mention of my journal and what i choose to write in it in addition to how i choose to write it and it’s just stupid but i am completely affected by it so nyah-nyah i’m shutting the doors that were once so generously (or so i thought) propped open. i have so much shit to do. really. so much. and yet i am still ensnared by this stupidity. i go through the same rigamarole: i shouldn’t care about what people think of me. i don’t know how not to care. i have left people i no longer associate with alone, and what do they do? talk shit about me. there is just no need for that. none. still i...

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Posted on 20 Feb 2001 | Comments Off