we shall see

i am so much more fascinating in speculation than i am in real life. so why do i bother writing about my reality? i love reading others’ lives but i think there is now too much of my life i am unwilling to share with the general public to continue to journal. besides, what i do share has this cute little tendency to backfire … i have considered writing here with the friends-only option, but that doesn’t fix the problem, merely delays it from annoying me for a little while. the “problem” is very simple: i don’t want my daily life to be on display anymore. what you see has increasingly not been what you get. i’m still me, but i don’t transcribe that “me” here very well. nor should i feel this overwhelming...

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Posted on 30 May 2001 | Comments Off

summer ease

i just received a book in the mail that i wanted, _libraries in the ancient world_ by lionel casson. the thing is, i didn’t order it, and there wasn’t a gift message on the receipt. so it is a secret gift from someone or it’s an amazon.com mixup. either way, i win! my dad’s visit was wonderful. we spent a whole day driving down to pacific grove, and we went to the monterey bay aquarium! i was slightly disappointed that there were no squid-specific exhibits (as promised by the website) but while we were looking at the cephalopod exhibit, something fairly magical happened. i was reading the introductory paragraphs on the wall by the entrance when a woman stepped in front of me and started to take a picture of them. i was slightly miffed at...

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Posted on 29 May 2001 | Comments Off

again

he had a green shirt. kelly green, i think they call it, bold and brash, the green of saint paddy’s day ornamentation but not of any irish people i know. there were several little guardian-angel pins on his collar and he wore a large golden crucifix around his thin neck. “you were at the … desk yesterday and … and i was entering … and … then you … said hello … to me, and i just wanted to … say … thank you.” i smiled. “you’re welcome.” he turned and did a little jig, holding onto the brass head of his cane. i chuckled. and remembered someone else who talked to people, and did little jigs, just because. hi, grampa. i knew i’d see you again.

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Posted on 25 May 2001 | Comments Off

i miss

i miss not knowing what makes mexican jumping beans jump. if i still didn’t know, i could believe that their secret stutter is what flips my heart over when i hear you laugh, or do anything at all.

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Posted on 24 May 2001 | Comments Off

if i never

if i never go to bed then my dad is always downstairs, sleeping peacefully on the air-mattress; my cat is always at my feet, purring; chad is always in the bedroom, turning over and making the bed creak in that comfortable way. if i never go to bed then these visits don’t end, we always remain suspended in the inhale of breath, before we say goodbye. there are whole lives here. i want to be inside this for more than a few more minutes. i want to get away with this crime against the passage of time, of life. so much of what i write here implores you, whoever you are, to let me live on in these dreams. but the truth is you and i exist wholly separate, touching only at our outer edges and even then not for very long. i can pretend to keep these loved ones close...

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Posted on 21 May 2001 | Comments Off

leaf, upturned

… the end of quite a saturday. we took a drive up to mount tamalpais, showing dad and melissa the gorgeous sights on the way. afterwards, we went to the east bay for a party at chad’s boss’ house. there were lots of fun and interesting people there, some i had met before, and some new faces. the wine always flows at that house so everyone was talkative and cheerful, and dinner was excellent too. it was a great feeling, glancing over to see my dad and melissa having a good time with our new friends. (we brought fresh flowers with us, just a modest bouquet, but i enjoyed doing so and they were well-received. i think i will bring fresh flowers whenever we are invited to someone’s house for dinner. if you entertain guests, do you like it when...

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Posted on 20 May 2001 | Comments Off

spring

is it ever too late to turn over a new leaf within yourself? i want to shed a part of myself, tonight. how do i do this? is it as simple as removing a bracelet, slipping into a dream, waking and splashing water on my face (something i never do). is it as simple — note that i use “simple” and not “easy” — as a magic word, a word of power, some promise or vow to myself? i have to have a clean break or i will not ever leave it behind. i need to learn how to do this.

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Posted on 17 May 2001 | Comments Off

i am so tired of cleaning products

the bathrooms sparkle. the kitchen gleams. the living-room … lives? i think we’re actually ready for my dad and stepmom to arrive tomorrow. maybe.

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Posted on 16 May 2001 | Comments Off

quote for today

your willingness to compromise is not a weakness of conviction but a strength of character.

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Posted on 16 May 2001 | Comments Off

absence

i apologize for being a no-show to the ‘stedcam chat tonight. the truth is, i really enjoy the weekly chats but i can’t make the time commitment anymore, at least not for a while. there’s too much stuff going on offline, good stuff, that i can’t afford to miss. so i’ll see you when i see you, and hope until then you’re not disappointed. take care, peeps.

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Posted on 14 May 2001 | Comments Off