unreal parts

Chad and I had lunch together today and as we were driving ó in the Jeep, with the top and doors off for maximum enjoyment of the springtime that has gripped us both in its sunny aura ó I talked a bit about where my head is. From email from my cousin, who assists on these sorts of operations regularly: …Aortic stenosis is quite common and is typically inconsequential until a critical condition (determined by physiologic or absolute area of the effective valve opening) is reached; things tend to snowball after that…. Valve replacement is the gold standard. Open the chest by separating the sternum (breast bone) and tissue above it vertically down its center. Put tubes in the heart and aorta to take blood out of the body, to send it into a bypass...

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Posted on 29 Mar 2002 | Comments Off

like a trooper

From email to my mother: thank you, moomers, for emailing. i was going to email you after rehearsal (just got home) since dad said he was going to let you know. i am not okay with this at all but felt i had to be “a trooper” as he put it because … what choice do i have? i got off the phone and cried. then we had to jump in the car and go to rehearsal. i do want to fly to PA for his surgery, but it will happen right in the middle of the run of the play. if the play doesn’t go up (see other email response) then i will try and go. i may ask you for a loan, in that case, as i’m very broke. i have no idea how to react, in truth. my head is still spinning and i swear, against all probability, my heart has started hurting in...

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Posted on 28 Mar 2002 | Comments Off

half-oscar

Let’s talk about Oscar. No, not that one! Let’s talk about Oscar Wilde. Let’s talk about me being in a play about Oscar Wilde. You read that right, squiddies. I’m returning to theatre! It’s only been, what, almost seven years? The last theatre production I was involved in was Tom Stoppard’s “Dogg’s Hamlet, Cahoot’s Macbeth”, which I directed in the summer of ’95 while I was still living in Pennsylvania. In Birmingham, I didn’t have the time to do anything but go to school and work, and then by the end I was too depressed to do much of anything with the free time I did have. Then we moved here and immediately had to deal with the start-up absurdity. In the past year, life has calmed down enough...

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Posted on 25 Mar 2002 | Comments Off

turn, turn, turn

Hello, Springtime, says this week’s Friday Five! What is your favorite time of year? Spring, right when it springs! What is it about your favorite season that, well, makes it your favorite season? The fresh smell of dirt and new growth, buds on the trees, plants just starting to poke out of the ground, light rainshowers, warmth with a cleansing breeze. What is your least favorite time of year? Why? Winter. It’s cold and dreary, and the sun sets too early. Do you do anything to celebrate or recognize the changing of seasons? No, although I used to, when I was a pagan-baby. Now I attempt to be more mindful every day, not just on the equinoxes and solstices. What’s your favorite thing to do outside? Doze lightly, face pressed to the ground, nose...

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Posted on 22 Mar 2002 | Comments Off

a toast

If “regret” is what you feel when you know you could have done things differently, what do you feel when you know, no matter what you did, it would have all come out exactly the same? This one’s for you, kid. You fucked with my head and my heart, but I … I let you. So if you’re looking to assign blame, it’s all mine. Let’s call it my expired passport: I can look at the stamps and think, “I was there,” and I can’t return. There’s other things to be thankful for, gifts you didn’t know you were giving me. I gave them all away, in the end, but tattooed their outlines on the palms of my hands so each time I outstretched one in greeting, in anything, I’d see. I see, and I reach a little...

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Posted on 20 Mar 2002 | Comments Off

why it seems so forced

In my writing meeting last night, the reiteration was clearer: I think in poetry, then translate to prose. This is not me saying, “How grand my little life must be, that I am cursed-blessed with this boon-bane.” This is me saying, “That’s fucked up.” And still, it’s me. I have to come to terms with that. So now I am writing a scene for the project in poetry. Another discovery, by she who thought she knew all about coffee: cappuccino is stronger than latte. Of course it is. Why did I forget this? Perhaps because “hazelnut latte” rolls off the tongue, while “hazelnut cappuccino” turns into a short story. Again, poetry infringes on my memory of things. It’s not easy or hard: it just is this way. I say...

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Posted on 19 Mar 2002 | Comments Off

furry friday five

Fear not, for here is a furry Friday Five for you! What’s your favorite animal? This is the easiest question I’ve ever had to answer: squid! What pets have you had in your lifetime? Many cats, some fish, three green anoles, two hermit crabs, several batches of Sea-Monkeys and a dog. Is there any specific pet that you’ve wanted but never had? Why? I regularly crave caring for many sorts of creatures, but then Chad reminds me that Zen eats everything. And he’s right. Lately, I love playing with Lily’s rats, but I don’t think I’d want rodents of my own. Perhaps another lizard or a snake, or salamanders. Salamanders are cool! Are you allergic to any animals? No, thankfully! Do you have any ‘pet’ pet peeves (your...

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Posted on 15 Mar 2002 | Comments Off

delicate understatements

Lately, it seems like I’m hoarding all the words about my life, instead of sharing them here, with you. Isn’t that a little sad? Maybe I should share more often. I will say one thing: clown-nose therapy, even sans nose, works. z0wrkr0wt thankz u! Last weekend was really nice. I flew in to San Diego around lunchtime on Saturday. David and Colleen picked me up at the airport and we went to lunch. Afterwards, we went back to their apartment and worked on the ceremony quite a bit. Before dinner, Colleen and I went to the hotel where her mom was staying and picked her up. Colleen’s mom is wonderful, a terribly bright and charming woman teacher-person. We talked and laughed and had some red wine and then an excellent homemade lasagne dinner. I crashed...

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Posted on 14 Mar 2002 | Comments Off

deep sulking

I don’t like near-death experiences, I’ve decided. I had one yesterday, driving south on the 101. The wind was gusting quite a bit, and my little car was a bit wobbly, but I felt like I was doing okay. Then, all of a sudden, one huge gust of wind seemed to pick my car up and set it down halfway in the lane to my left. If the driver in that lane hadn’t swerved, I wouldn’t be writing this entry. Note to self: The new car doesn’t do well in high winds. I’ll spare you the sordid description of my consequent panic and recovery. Yesterday was pretty much a bust, all the way around. The insomnia’s only getting worse, and I feel dangerously antisocial. The “dangerously” is because I’m at the point of avoiding...

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Posted on 8 Mar 2002 | Comments Off

tax rule ridicule

I know I am not alone in this sentiment, but income tax sucks. It just does. Chad and I bust our asses all year, paying taxes all along, even withholding extra from each paycheck, and still we owe a ridiculous amount. How is this possible? My dad is explaining some of the concepts behind it to me, but still, I don’t get it. Granted, I have never been the sharpest knife in the drawer when it comes to financial issues, but I have been handling my money very well for the past few years, and this is just a slap in the face. I’m livid. Unfortunately, when I am upset, I almost always lose sleep. Last night was no exception, even though I went to bed earlier than I have been recently. Still not early enough, and completely ineffective against stress-induced...

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Posted on 6 Mar 2002 | Comments Off