you can’t have it

Yesterday’s horoscope was the first slap in the face:

The Sun and Saturn are agreeing on all counts, which could signal the start of a whole new phase of business, emotional, personal or romantic growth, adventure and expansion. First, however, you may need to relinquish certain structures that keep your balloon tethered, but what these might be only you (and your hairdresser?) know for sure.

And today’s quote of the day was the second:

“You can have anything you want if you are willing to give up the belief that you can’t have it.” — William Purkey

I’m spending a lot of time lately observing the filter between what I experience and I what I express verbally, and it’s thickening into some greatly adhesive mud. It’s gumming up my life and I’m tired of it. But I don’t see a way around it as long as I am concerned about how what I write and say — here and elsewhere — affects other people. The effect may be negligible, but I’m overly sensitive to even that.

Anyone who has spent more than two minutes around me can see that I have no “poker face” whatsoever. What happens internally is shown externally each moment, and I know the assumption is made that it would be that way even if I tried to hide it.

Not so. I’m fairly adept at hiding it. I choose not to hide it. Why, then, hide my words?

… because I am tired of defending them. But it’s more than that. It’s not the confrontation I can’t handle, it’s the guilt. I’m hanging onto the thought of letting someone (anyone) down as an excuse not to live fully. An excuse. I’m causing myself all manner of distress because I’m afraid to live my life. It’s a teenaged tactic and I’m thirty and hiding from the big beauty that my life could be containing.

I’m so fucking sick of myself sometimes.