I’m home, packing for Seattle (tomorrow, yay!) and catching up on email and Zen-scritches. Last night’s dinner at Ti Couz with Brina, David and the MSG was nice, even though I managed to forget to buy cider bowls for Lunesse YET AGAIN. (I’m so sorry, Luny. I will make a special trip just for that, and soon.) Brina and David bought me Demeter Fragrances for my birthday! Now I have Cosmopolitan and Laundromat to add to my ever-growing collection of Atypical Perfume, which contains Fireplace, Graham Cracker, and Creme Brulee, among others.

Back at the MSG’s, he and I opened the bottle of wine that Hawk got me for my birthday, put on the new Air album, and had a long talk about things that have been bothering me lately, mainly with how I am interacting with my friends, and not making decisions about things that upset me, instead letting them float around the “unsatisfactory” part of the spectrum. It was an interesting adjustment in my perspective to hear from the MSG that while telling someone they’ve upset me is a valid and important first step, it is just that: a first step. What I decide as a result of that first step has to follow, or I leave the bad situation in limbo, and keep open the possibility for it to happen again.

While I am not perfect, nor do I expect anyone else to be, I expect there to be a modicum of honesty, compassion, and responsibility within my closest interactions. Sometimes I feel that there isn’t, and I get extremely frustrated, and end up saying over and over again, “Why does X happen? Why can’t I prevent X from happening?” when I should be saying, “Why do I react to X in this way? How can I improve my reaction to X?” It’s not about controlling how others behave towards me; it’s about controlling my reactions to others’ behavior.

Last night, the MSG simply said, “You don’t get extra points for playing the martyr,” and it’s true. It’s not the first time I’ve heard this, but I hope it will be the last. I need to stop playing the martyr, NOW, and get on with it. When someone upsets me, I need to tell them, and then I need to decide how I will interact with them in the future. Nothing should be keyed on someone else changing to suit me, because if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that they won’t. And I don’t get to sit around feeling sorry for myself when they won’t, and I don’t get to second-guess the validity of my feelings.

Enough of that. On to happier subjects.

Today, the MSG and I went to the farmer’s market, as has become our Saturday ritual. First we got coffee, and then did a first pass through the main part of the market to get ideas for Saturday night’s dinner. Since the MSG had already put the pork in a chipotle, lemon, honey, and something-I-forgot marinade, we had the main dish, but we were looking for the rest of it. I spied the lavender stall and had wanted a bunch of dried lavender for a while, so I asked him to go on ahead without me so I could deal with the aggressively snobbish crowd. He said he’d meet me back at the lavender stall, and when he did, he brought me a bouquet of pink French tulips. I got all teary and he just smiled and said “Happy Saturday” and kissed me.

It was warm at the ferry building today. We sat outside and talked while ripping off little pieces of sourdough bread to dip in our bowls of clam chowder. I like the word “chowder” and what it does to my whole mouth. I ducked into Book Passage while the MSG wandered off to buy Acme bread. I like that we can be together, and then apart, and then back together again, so easily. It seems that already we’re used to each other’s moods and needs, and make little adjustments to suit one another. And when one of us is down, or stressed, or needs to talk, the other is right there. I need to learn to relax and depend on this not only being true for now, but also true for the future. I don’t enjoy feeling like this wonder I am now enjoying with another person is only temporary because in the end everyone goes away. I can’t allow myself to assume that everyone will go away based on my past because, for one, the MSG is definitely not “everyone”, and secondly, he’s given me absolutely no reason to doubt him. If anything, he proves to me daily that he is reliable and consistent, and loyal above all else.

Time to finish packing and head back into the City for dinner with the MSG. Tomorrow, Seattle, a wedding, and fun with new friends and old. Chin up, keep moving forward.

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feeling sick to my stomach in knots and uncertainty throws itself into me but i still catch it so it’s my fault isn’t it for opening arms as if by reflex like when someone tosses you something you don’t want you still open your arms and you still catch

is this what being in love is like to love the beauty of something so much you are afraid for it to disappear is this what i was supposed to be feeling and is this the truth inside the eggshell that i never wanted to crack

on my finger is a new ring with two stones purplyblue and the placard reads “helps with being present and with the assuaging of worry” and please let me be here right now because i hate throwing myself back at uncertainty and clawing at its little jeweled throat with no nails because i cut them all off long ago and they didn’t bother to grow back

you can fuck the love out of someone but you cannot fuck it back in

and so we begin

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Lo, this day hath sucketh mightily. Yea, verily, forsooth. I liked folks’ answers to my Zobmondo question, though. I think I would prefer the crush, but like Ergazork, my default is a sigoth who is also my best friend. Although “best” and “friend” together make me a little annoyed; I don’t like to rank people in my life like that.

Speaking of sigoths and best friends, tonight I spent an hour and a half on the phone with the MSG, who is both a good listener and a good advisor. We talked about my work situation and ways for me to manage it so it doesn’t chew up my sanity and my passion. He says once I’ve decided to do something, it makes the doing of it easy, or at least easier. Maybe I believe that. I want to believe that.

Tomorrow night, the MSG and I will join Brina and David at Ti Couz, one of my favorite restaurants in the City. What I love best about online journaling is that I can write things like this, then link to relevant entries, like the first time I went to Ti Couz. I didn’t write more than a vague “spent time in the City” about the last time I went, even though that was quite an evening, culminating in the MSG getting pushed away from me — by his throat, no less — in a dance club. No assaults tomorrow night, please.

I leave for Seattle early Sunday morning for Josh and September’s wedding, am staying with Jon, and will get to see Kill and another wonderful friend before I return Monday night. I am really looking forward to this mini-vacation to such a great city.

A year ago today, I was in Germany with Scott and my brother and his girlfriend. Although the photos are no longer on the Web, I’m re-reading my travel journal and smiling a lot in remembrance. Here’s hoping I get out of the country again this year; perhaps I’ll be able to go to Edinburgh with my mom for the Fringe Festival, and then I can see FunkyPlaid, Spiffington, Pisica, Gingiber, and all their groovy friends. That would make me so happy.

Acceptable: Getting to bed at 23:15.
Unacceptable: Waking up at 03:15.

Acceptable: Having that ridiculous “Fuck the Pain Away” song stuck in my head.
Unacceptable: Singing it, however quietly, at the workplace. Especially getting caught on the word “titties”. By a student.

Acceptable: Getting caught in a freak hailstorm. With thunder and lightning and everything!
Unacceptable: Somehow, even with glasses on, getting a hail shard in the eye.

Acceptable: Watching one very cute cat snore while laying on her back.
Unacceptable: Dive-bombing her exposed belly. With my face. The scars will heal someday. I hope.

Acceptable: Going back to bed right now instead of doing anything else to my website.
Unacceptable: Having to wake up at 06:15. Damned insomnia.

The Zobmondo calendar question for yesterday had me stumped. Let’s see what you’ll do with it:

Would you rather … that your significant other have a huge crush and strong physical attraction to your best friend OR have them absolutely hate each other?

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Occasionally, my job rules.

The director of collections and cataloging just walked into my office and presented me with two books that are in our library:

rawk, I say.

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