words and bills

My writing workshop has become disappointing to me. No negative feedback is allowed, and I think that is the reason. I like getting my work critiqued; it seems more genuine than a continuous stream of “that was great” and “you narrate so well” and the like. But believe me, I’m not getting ANY of that continuous stream. No, people tend to say things like “that was interesting” or “quite vivid” and I shouldn’t be disgruntled but I am. I don’t want to be The Token Weird Writer. I want to fit in, and do good work. Instead I stick out and I’m producing shit.

Plus, it’s a free-for-all when it comes to feedback time, and I have such issues about interrupting or being interrupted that I usually end up saying nothing at all, which I’m sure endears me to the group not one bit. They probably think I’m writing something for myself when I’m in fact taking notes I never end up saying out loud.

So I spent all of this month’s fun money on a workshop I dread attending. The rest of my finances are in dismal shape due to credit card debt I’m still carrying from the start-up fiasco of four years ago. I can’t afford to pay it all off, and my whittling away at it doesn’t seem to make much of a difference. I’m even starting to feel like taking public transportation to and from work is an unnecessary luxury since I’m already paying so much for my car and insurance.

The reality of my workshop situation is that I took a risk by getting my hopes up for it, and I’m going to stick with it for the remaining six weeks. The reality of my financial situation is that I have to get a part-time job, and I can’t go to grad school in the fall or spend money on anything frivolous (books, music, clothing, dinners or movies) until I have my credit cards paid off. I’ve already cancelled my account on The Well and my wi-fi service, and will look into selling some possessions, including my G4 desktop.

I wish I could be a good sport about all this, but when my friends can afford things like mortgages and massages and mobile phones without a second thought, I get so fucking depressed. And I can’t even write well enough to soothe myself.

About Halsted M. Bernard

Halsted, a/k/a cygnoir, does stuff with words. Her favourite things to do with words are keeping this diary, writing stories, and organising information. She lives in Edinburgh with her husband, two cats, a few gadgets, several fountain pens, and many books.

Posted on 30 Jun 2004 in Diary
  • lunesse

    I will say what I’ve said a lot recently, tho it is often impractical.

    Move.

    Moving changed my life. I miss CA, and everyone there, but other places have just as much opportunity. I can afford a mortgage here in Oregon because my mortgage here is HALF what my RENT was in the Bay Area. So much less stress. It’s a compromise, but for peace of mind and ability to pay for expenses, plus have a life…it was a well-worth it compromise. A hard one, but worth it.

    I’m sorry sweetie. Go do something free and wonderful. Take a hike on those trails near Stinson Beach, and marvel. Hang out at Ocean Beach with a drink from your fridge. Walk the Golden Gate. Hang in there.

  • http://www.amuse-bouche.net/ jon

    oh, ‘Sted, so sorry to hear things there are flagging. the money stuff always sucks even worse than everything else, because it comes with implied fear.

    on the workshop, you should pull aside the coordinator and ask, quite directly, about the parameters. why no negative criticism? why the silly lovefest? (i stopped doing writing workshops in college, and eventually stopped writing fiction, because i got tired of this all-writing-is-equally valuable mindset. hooey.) if they can’t give you a decent response, well … i don’t know. i imagine it’s hard to get the cash back, but it’s silly for you to endure this thing that’s just making you unhappy.

    beyond that, i imagine some belt-tightening would help to get you beyond all this. but i wouldn’t tighten too far. is the amount of cash you can get for a used computer worth the unhappiness of not having a piece of equipment you really enjoy?

    the car thing is hard to parse. public transit is an added expense, but so is operating a car, especially in California and especially with gas prices this high. if you’re using more than a couple gallons a day, it’s probably a wash.

    other than that, [[hugs]] and let me know if you need anything from the great Northwest.

  • http://www.leckiest.com Ighnot

    ‘Sted,

    What bothers me the most about financial problems is that they shouldn’t belong to brilliant people.

    If I may join you with a gripe of my own– there’s a great injustice in the fact that shallow morons who persue the right vocations get rewarded SO much while people who are really more interesting and unique and, most importantly, *trying to contribute in a lasting way to humanity in general*, i.e. writers, artists, CREATORS, are usually in dire financial straits unless and until their visions pique the interest of a sufficient number of people.

    So, what does that say about what the world wants? Money is usually the most direct indicator that you have something that the world wants/needs. So what does it mean when one works in the military, which I can tell you for certain is a life of service, and also makes very little money?

    It’s a blow to self-esteem, and I still haven’t come to terms with it. What I want to do with my life, namely, “persue physics and astronomy until I die from exposure to it,” ALSO doesn’t carry much financial promise, and yet I NEED financial resources to make it!

    So, in short, I agree with you– it SUCKS.

    -John