three-part messages

This LiveJournal post floored me. I transcribed part of it to an index card I keep in my planner for easy reference:

Three-part messages are not some sort of major philosophical construct — they’re just a tool. Like a hammer, or a pencil. Their purpose is to let you request a change in someone’s behavior without triggering the automatic “You can’t tell ME what to do!” reaction that hijacks the whole interaction and keeps the person from even hearing the request. Often, if it weren’t for that reaction, the person would have no objection at all to making the requested change — but first it has to be heard and understood. [read more]

About Halsted M. Bernard

Halsted, a/k/a cygnoir, does stuff with words. Her favourite things to do with words are keeping this diary, writing stories, and organising information. She lives in Edinburgh with her husband, two cats, a few gadgets, several fountain pens, and many books.

Posted on 19 May 2006 in Diary
  • http://jaschu.7au.net/ Jason

    I’ve always liked that method of starting dialogues in problematic situations. But tangentally: did you read some of the comments being posted to that LJ post? It’s like…. people can’t put this in the appropriate context. I’m not going to use this method unless there’s a rationale for it. I’m not going to use it on, say, someone I have no connection to that I come across on the street. “Hello, fellow pedestrian. When you continually push the Walk button like that, it makes me feel agitated, because it creates a sense of impatience in me.” What? No! God. The original poster offers the explanation that she’s trying not to talk down to people by having to explain what she thinks (as I do) what should be obvious, but apparently she DOES because LJ is a crazy vast expanse of people who need their hands held. …I’m going to stop there, I’m starting to sound like an LJ post. :(

  • http://www.cygnoir.net cygnoir

    I’m in total agreement with you. I read some of the comments but stopped because it devolved into ridiculousness and I’ve just got no time for people who need it all spelled out for them. Critical thinking, folks. Look into it.