Usually it either takes hours or moments for me to write something here. This one took days, not because it was complex or layered or filled with intriguing metaphors, but because I am worded out, spoken out, written out, wrung out and drawn out.
In a good way! The best way. The on my own and fighting vague terror about what the hell I’m doing way.
Alcohol helps. I can see the attraction now when I couldn’t before: the voices spurred by fear or insecurity usually circle twice and sit down like obedient pups once I’ve got a glass or two in me.
Here is what is not at all a secret: the past few months have been a total mindfuck. I expected always to be one of those “tortured artist” types — not that I ever considered myself a particularly good artist, nor particularly tortured, but I thought of myself as being miserable and twisted and pulled in multiple directions and that’s how I lived it out. I mean, how obvious! That’s what we do: predict our own suffering.
Now I am finally taking care of myself instead of relying on other people, in both my living situation and my career, and of course that was possible a long time ago but it was only obvious to me very recently, me being not a fan of the trappings of “self-actualization” while being 100% behind the actual concept. I have this astounding friend Michael who makes me laugh whenever he talks about how people obsess over their “process” but of course that’s what this entire journal is about. The more I write in it, the less I understand why anyone besides me would want to read it.
Not that I’m going to stop. After all, it was 9 years on 18 May. Something keeps me going. Your comments keep me going. Mostly my incredulity that I keep going keeps me going.
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Getting used to the comforts of an office job. Drinking a bit more. Looking back at your 20s as though you’re looking over your shoulder at a hallway filled with shadows. Yup, you’re one of us, now.
I just learned a new slang word: “e-pression”, meaning complaining how depressed you are on your myspace blog.
Seriously, though, blogging is much maligned by our culture, I suspect, because it raises so many issues about authenticity and narcissism (which are issues in our culture anyway). But what is blogging really other than an extension of the epistolary form for a culture that is too impatient for Igo-Ugo correspondence and so large and complex (and isolating) that we seek a kind of intimacy with many strangers instead of with just one friend?
Anyway that’s my deep thought for the day. I really appreciated the birthday card you sent me recently (even though it may have been automated) because, quite honestly, I hadn’t thought of you in months, perhaps years, and it made me return to your site and remember why I was first impressed by your self-expression. In human history there have been many definitions of what it means to “know” a person; my knowledge of you consists entirely of the bits and pieces of this site that I’ve perused and a few emails/text messages we’ve exchanged. Anyway I guess I’m trying to say, it was good to hear from you, and keep being Halsted please.
it is so very interesting the dividing region between embracing the concept of something vs. being the the thing itself.
i have similar thoughts as you regarding being an artist. after many contemplations over years, i realized that i never really asked to be the ‘artist’ or moreover, the ‘tortured artist’ but what i’ve learned is that i am rather tortured for long spans and what people around me identify as art is really just the products of me trying to cope with myself and my point of view on life.
does that make me an accidental artist? hmm…i have no answer there.
as to blogging, there is a quote by jeanette winterson in her novel the passion: “i write so that i’ll have something to read later.” more to the point, i don’t think those of us who write do it to remember the events in our days. i think we write more to remember how we feel.
keep going
keep being halsted
keep putting real frogs in imaginary gardens
(and keep zen away from the frogs please)
Halsted, You have a very deep and interesting mind that reflects a great spirit. We all have so little time and I seldom get the chance to visit all the truly fascinating people I brush against. I am glad I was blown this way on my journey thru this bizarre web. I identify with the written out and other aspects of your (our) individual and collective sentences here. We live for those bright moments, made all the brighter by, well, you know. Cheers from a million words away and a letter apart. :O) Always, Phil
Yup. Yup. You’re our Official Innernet Energizer Bunny Mascot. You Go Girl!
2 days?? y’day on sun afternoon, was trying to blog but dozed off on my sofa…haha..woke up, switch off the laptop, went to bed to continue my beautiful sleep