three out of four

I had this theory for a while, this theory I didn’t want to have, because if it was true, it’d be bleak. The theory was that at any given time in my life, I could have only up to three out of the four things I want: a stable and comfortable home, a meaningful and challenging occupation, healthy and flourishing friendships, and a loving and supportive partner. I didn’t know why I couldn’t have all four, just that the pattern seemed to be two or three, maximum. I was resigned to this.

What is missing from the theory is that none of these can exist, at least not in the long term, without 0: a consistent and accurate sense of self. So while I was focusing on each of the four, attempting to perfect them or at least come to terms with what they were in actuality versus my idealized version of them, I lacked this basic foundation and couldn’t see it.

Until now.

This is going to be difficult, but I am slowly discovering the tools. One of these tools is opening up to my closest friends, especially when I have uncomfortable or upsetting experiences. My friends have been so good to me, especially since the recent ending of my long-term relationship, that they deserve to know more of who I am than I currently give them. My increased trust in my friends will renew my faith in my instincts about people, about myself.

I’ve done quite a bit of reading about mental health, emotional stability, and the like, but nothing centers and grounds me like being around my friends. Those closest to me know I hold no real animosity toward former lovers, only passing frustration and a sadness that my best wasn’t good enough. I maintain that my best will be good enough for someone, someday, and I’ll have four out of four.

About Halsted M. Bernard

Halsted, a/k/a cygnoir, does stuff with words. Her favourite things to do with words are keeping this diary, writing stories, and organising information. She lives in Edinburgh with her husband, two cats, a few gadgets, several fountain pens, and many books.

Posted on 15 Jul 2007 in Diary
  • David

    I don’t think its a matter of “my best wasn’t good enough”. People change and grow. And as people grow, they can grow in opposite directions. How they are now, or who they are now, isn’t always the same as what will be a year from now.

    Its like the song says…sometimes love just ain’t enough.

    *hugs*

  • http://alltheprettywords.com Trin

    *big hug*

  • http://www.geeseaplenty.com Greg

    I have no doubt that four out of four is in the offing.

  • Shannon

    Love you!

  • http://www.devotionproject.com Adam

    I relate.

  • Victoria

    I so completely relate to this (except that I’m down to 2/4 of those things…for now). **hugs**

  • http://tommx.livejournal.com Tom

    I second what David said about your best not being good enough.

    I’ve known you, albeit virtually, for a pretty long time…at least 8 years. As I have gotten to know you better over the years, I feel strongly that you have continued to become a better and better version of yourself, and as such, someone I’m really glad to know.

  • Darren

    I see five just on the horizon.

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