tools in my workshop

Thank you for indulging my last post. I certainly had more than I realized to say on the topic. Now on to more positive things …

Work has been a little different for me this week because I’ve been in workshops. Yesterday’s was “How to Build Trust, Credibility and Respect” and today’s was “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People”. Both were outstanding, and I learned a lot about myself and about others. Tomorrow’s will be “Having Difficult Conversations”, which I sorely need.

One of the components of today’s session was the idea of creating a personal mission statement. As I am a fan of lists and words, this sort of enumeration appealed to me deeply, and I look forward to revising my rough first draft.

Re-reading the draft, it’s clear that I want it all, the five out of five instead of the three out of four I once expected. And as I ponder them, cataloging the most important aspects of each, I have a newfound certainty they all will be mine even sooner than I could have hoped.

Surprising many and myself, I’ve been more social in the past few weeks than I have in years. It feels wonderful. My friends are so dear to me, far more than I have previously understood or expressed, and this week’s workshops have underlined their importance to my growth and success.

Also, I’ve realized that continuing my trend toward excessive compromise in my relationships is simply hazardous to my health. My passions and dreams are no less valid than anyone else’s, and I have to stop enabling myself and others to treat them as such. After all, it is my responsibility to care for my well-being, not anyone else’s, just as it is my responsibility to draw and defend clear boundaries of tolerable behavior. I am no victim of circumstance, no hapless fool of fate. What I can control, I will, and what I can’t, I will let go.

So what about you? Tell me one negative pattern in your life you are changing, and the tools you are using to do it.

Posted on 18 Jul 2007 in Diary

Tinu

Absolutely wonderful post. I loved that last paragraph…

“Also, I’ve realized that continuing my trend toward excessive compromise in my relationships is simply hazardous to my health. My passions and dreams are no less valid than anyone else’s, and I have to stop enabling myself and others to treat them as such. After all, it is my responsibility to care for my well-being, not anyone else’s, just as it is my responsibility to draw and defend clear boundaries of tolerable behavior. I am no victim of circumstance, no hapless fool of fate. What I can control, I will, and what I can’t, I will let go.”

That is going to Save LIVES. I’m so serious when I say that.

A negative pattern I’m changing is believing in the existence of time. I’ll utilize the illusion for my maximum benefit, but I’m not going to yield to it any more in terms of thinking I’ll run out of time, or that there’s not enough time, or that if I don’t get xyz done by such and such date, the world will end and I’ll go to hell. :)

Wow. That felt good.
http://www.towse.com/blogger/blog.htm Sal

one negative pattern in your life:

The docs at Kaiser can be amazing. The latest (a blood pressure specialist) said to me, “You mean your pulse rate has always been 90-95?”

Well. Yup. Since whenever people started taking my pulse and were all going, ohmigodyourpulseis …

So this fab doc said, “That’s not right. We’ll fix that right up and with luck that’ll fix your blood pressure issues too.”

So she prescribed a beta blocker.

What do you know. … My pulse is down. My blood pressure is down. I am SO CHILL. (snickr. No, not really. But more chill than I was.)

… and … I don’t stress out about each and every darn thing that whacks at me. Beta blockers. Damn if someone had only prescribed that thirty some years ago, what sorts of fuss and worry I might have avoided.

The “negative pattern” in my life that I’m avoiding right now is stressing out over stupid stuff that no one in their right mind would stress out over.

Beta blockers are your friend.
http://tommx.livejournal.com Tom

Something I am working on in my own life is to dispense with my tendency towards self loathing and self deprecation. It’s been a thing with me for most of my life, and has a lot to do with family issues I shant go into here.

My tools are many and include books (not necessarily self help books, but just books, as reading does wonders for my mental health), and projects that I can undertake that will help boost my self esteem. I am also seeking ways to “train” myself to think more positively if you will.
matt

‘sted, you and i have to talk.
http://pixiepurls.com pixie

Well something I have had trouble with from the very beggning is CLEANING. I am a freakin slob. I hate cleaning. I don’t mind organizing, I just hate cleaning. Now if someone comes to visit my house I clean it like a mad thing, but inbetween those moments it’s trashed. I apprechiate nice things and most of the time I take care of my nice possesions. My gadgets in partciular get treated with far more care then say, my carpet.

I got a “maid” this week, they will come bi-weekly. I have no idea if that will truley help me keep the house cleaning, or maybe motivate me to clean inbetween. I should have married a clean freak :) haha because my husband is just as bad as I am so together we are twice as bad. It’s an issue I have been working my ENTIRE LIFE!!! Sometimes I am better then others, sometimes I am worse.
http://emotionsforengineers.blogspot.com Tony

I went through the 7 habits class years ago. I built a Mission statement based on Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. At the bottom I put “First Be a Good Animal.” At the top is “No Fear.” In between are another six guiding principles.

I have found myself giving in on important things in my life. It’s some kind of co-dependent thing. I have gotten a lot of therapy over the years for issues in my life and hope I am on the road to fulfilling my mission. The two things that are my main focus are No Fear and Do the right thing.

The link in this post goes back to a blog that I have where I share some of the insights I have gained through my therapy and readings. The twist is that I try to put it in a context understandable by people for whom emotions are not their primary language, i.e. engineers.

I find that writing has several attributes. First, it can be cathartic. Second, it forces some discipline into my thinking about these things. Finally, I get pleasure out of thinking htat I may be helping other people. A few hundred people have actually read my blog since I started it, some multiple times.

Good luck.
http://www.vicster.net/blog/thinking/ Victoria

I’m working very hard to stop apologizing for who I am* (especially the being fat part). It’s helped enormously that I have great friends who love me wherever I’m at and I’m learning to listen to THEM instead of all the negative messages I’ve received through the years (and continue to receive). It’s hard undoing 40-plus years of icky feedback, but I get up and try again, every day (several times a day).

I think the day that I had the confrontation with the guy who called me a “fat, f’in bitch” and I reacted with humanity and compassion instead of getting defensive and thumping him–or crying because yet another guy called me out for being a fattie–was a HUGE step.

*Now, this is not to say that I won’t apologize if I’m acting like a total TOOL and someone calls me on it.

Tony, I love the base and top of your mission statement! Those sound like exactly where I want to begin and reach for.
http://emotionsforengineers.blogspot.com Tony

Thanks Victoria,

I realized I hadn’t filled in the middle part, so here it is.

No Fear

Have Fun
Develop Skills

Do the right thing
Respect others all ways
Plan—think things through
Alignment with partners and associates

First, be a good animal

Then to the side, I have the whole big triangle in brackets and it says “Communicate these values to my children.”

Cheers,
Tony
http://www.1plus1equals3.net Lara Beeson

I’m working on being okay with not making others happy(most especially my family outside of our little core trio here) but to rather focus on me and us instead, just because of SOPs are not the same as theirs, doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with them.
I’ve been different my whole life, I just need to be all right with being a bit different within our larger family as well. When my mother was less than enthusiastic about my news about my recent decision with regard to further school, it disappointed me, but really illustrated to me that our being different is really okay and we’ll all just have to come to terms with that one way or the other.
The only tools I think I need to develop to help with this one are be critical of my decisions with regard to me and us, and far less reliant on the necessity f seeking outside approval and validation from my family. If is good for us, I should not care or worry about what They think about these things.
http://amodicumofdecorum.blogspot.com/ E-Babe

What I’m trying to change is my total and utter lack of compassion for people who screw up their lives by making one bad decision on top of another and then expect to be bailed out. They are such a drain on people who have some ability to make the difficult choices.

I am not beginning to realize that I need to just meet them where they are at and know that it could be me who has zero will power. I need to realize that everything I have that’s good in my life… my family, my home, my dog, my ability to work, to deny myself those things which are bad for me… all of things are gifts that everyone doesn’t possess.

Bottom line: I need to cut people more slack.

Great post, by the way.
Pingback: cygnoir.net / blue skies and all
http://funkyplaid.livejournal.com/ Darren

It’s more of a delight than nearly anything I can recently remember to see the light of these realizations spread across your features. Five of five. No excessive compromises. Reaching out and grasping what you want, what you deserve, after so many years of restricting your passion and imagination.

You have clearly stated here that you are no hapless fool of fate. We know that you’ve already shown her who is really wearing the steel-toes. Kick some shit, baby.