misanthrope

Hello there. I have made almost no NaNoWriMo progress, but still feel like writing, putting something down on the page, as it were, despite this not really being a page or even down. Lately I have felt so full of disappointment in human beings, myself included. It started with the rejection of my graduate school application. Granted, I submitted only one, and granted, the economy went and exploded, and granted, there are many reasons why this could have happened, but for a while I could only see a big fat FAIL when I looked at myself. I’m not used to doubting my brains, not because I think I am more intelligent than I am, but because I have always been good at assessing where I stand on the intelligence spectrum. So while I probably wasn’t rejected on...

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Posted on 17 Nov 2008 | 8 comments

now what

I was at work when the news came, when the world changed. I was at work and we are not supposed to show our emotions on our sleeves, our choices on our lapels, but we couldn’t help it, and we clapped our hands and laughed and said yes. My father called and said, “Thank you, California!” and I replied, “Thank you, Pennsylvania!” and for a few minutes it was like we were in the same place. I sent my mother a text that read, “Yes, we can, and yes, we did! Congratulations on a new America, mooms.” She replied that she was with me, and for a few minutes, she was. On the train home, I sneakily studied the faces of the people around me, thinking: does he know yet? Is she happy? And then I pretended as if I didn’t know yet,...

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Posted on 5 Nov 2008 | 3 comments

brute force

If I disappear for a few weeks, don’t worry: I am participating in National Novel-Writing Month, a/k/a NaNoWriMo. Why am I torturing myself with this 50k-word exercise again this year? For the simple fact that I desperately need to get back into the habit of writing every single day, and this is the brute-force method I know that works best. I admire my friend Adam‘s dedication to documenting his NaNoWriMo experience, and hope to do the same with mine this year.

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Posted on 1 Nov 2008 | 2 comments

no on prop 8

Attention California voters: Proposition 8 is about discrimination, fair and simple.  Vote NO on Prop 8. Scalzi said it much better than I ever could: This is why every single potential supporter of Proposition 8 should be looked square in the eye and asked if they are truly and seriously ready to say that that they personally are prepared to destroy already existing, already legal marriages — if they are truly and seriously ready to say that they know better than the people in a marriage whether that marriage should be allowed to exist — if they are truly and seriously ready to say to two married people, “you two don’t deserve to be married, and I intend to kill your marriage...

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Posted on 30 Oct 2008 | 5 comments

surprise publication

Oops. I just found out that a prose piece I submitted was published in the September 2008 issue of the journal Impetus! It is reprinted here with my own permission. “Sternum and Coccyx” by Halsted M. Bernard They sat on the porch as the gloaming grew with the soft chirruzz of the bug-breeze. An ice cube wheezed and gave up in a glass. “That was just fine,” said Coccyx, chrome wheels of his new chair glinting as he pushed forward, then back, gently rocking. “Not bad at all,” agreed Sternum as she shifted on the swing. The rusted chains moaned in response. “Although I could have done with a bit more of a view,” said Coccyx.  “All that action and I couldn’t rightly see none of it.” “It’s your own damned fault,” huffed Sternum....

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Posted on 29 Oct 2008 | Comments Off

chapter two

chapter two

While we were visiting Scotland in October 2008, FunkyPlaid asked me to marry him. Of course I said yes!

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Posted on 28 Oct 2008 | 1 comment

burnout

There is no better phrase for it: I am burned out. I don’t remember ever being this burned out. As I stopped to ponder why this is hitting me so hard now, I realized I haven’t had a vacation for almost two years. This is the longest period of time I have gone without traveling in my entire life. Work hasn’t become more difficult, but my ability to deal with it objectively is faltering. Being a manager and being in public service means I am always on even when I don’t feel like it.  There is no hiding or taking it easy.  My coworkers have been very understanding, but they also work under the same restrictions.  Such is the way of the library professional. Although my health has improved lately, I still have off days, sometimes triggered...

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Posted on 7 Oct 2008 | 10 comments

photos I did not take

Last night the moon slipped slate-blue behind silver clouds, and although I could see it from the overstuffed leather recliner I did not fumble for a camera. I watched it, and it looked full, though my astigmatism makes me a poor judge of such things. Past midnight, sometime over the weekend, we were sitting with snacks, twin bowls of cereal, savoring the wee hours with no early alarm the next morning. Just outside our bedroom, my cat walked past his cat very, very slowly, and then carefully put her paw out to touch the very tip of his cat’s tail. We lost it; my mouth happened to be full of cereal.  I wanted to take a photo of the moment I started thinking of my cat and his cat as our cats, but instead I cleaned the cereal off my face. Someone in the...

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Posted on 15 Sep 2008 | Comments Off

domino effect

I gave up and ordered a new camera battery charger. The old one must be somewhere, but I have no time before our upcoming trip to Scotland to sort through all of my boxes. Believe me, there will be some serious purging of useless belongings happening when I return. My handy countdown widget tells me that only 23 days remain until our trip. It is so paltry to say that I am excited to see this beloved country, this heart-home of my beloved, and to meet and re-meet friends far away. I am beyond excited. Every time I read a page in a guidebook I start bouncing in my chair and have to put it down. I know that no small part of my excitement stems from a frantic need to be Not-Here for a short time. Living in San Francisco has become exhausting, and because this is such...

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Posted on 15 Sep 2008 | 5 comments

elsewhere

elsewhere

Since I haven’t been around much lately, I’ll point you in the direction of two places you can find me more often: unlibrarian.com, which is my weblog. halstedmbernard.com, which is my nascent professional writing site. Now to the excuses: I stay up much too late, wringing every moment I can out of my non-work time; I have misplaced my camera’s battery charger; I am compiling my application to graduate school; I am fully burned out on the Bay Area and need some serious time away from it; I haven’t had the drive to write about my internal processes lately; I’m still smarting from the greater truths revealed in my last post; Blargle blargle fizzle wot wot.  (It’s as good an excuse as any.) Vote. Vote vote vote vote vote....

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Posted on 8 Sep 2008 | Comments Off