podcast #8: the end? of print, part 1

Matt and I talk about the end (question mark) of print in this episode of “… and scene”. We had a lot to say about the topic, so this podcast comes in two installments. The first is about the fate of the newspaper. Tune in next week for the second!

rotten week

This has been a rotten week. I am the Bad Guy at work, which is panning out much as you’d expect. It is unavoidable for managers, and I suppose the best we can do is be consistent and fair and straightforward.

While I have these things nailed at work, I cannot say the same for my personal life.  My ability to assess and articulate my emotional state is so severely broken that I often have no idea what is going on internally until it has already boiled over.  Therapy was almost no help in this regard; I often received advice like “count to 10 before reacting to negative emotion” which would work great if I had a clue which emotions I was dealing with in the first place.

One helpful thing a therapist told me was about survival mechanisms.  When I expressed frustration to him that I wasn’t just “healed” after the relationship had ended, he told me that those survival mechanisms, built up over years, wouldn’t just dissipate. I have to query each of these mechanisms as they appeared with a simple question: “Does this work for me?”  If it doesn’t, it is my responsibility to junk it.

You know, none of this shit works for me anymore.  It all needs to be junked.  I know this.  But I don’t feel like I’ve gotten any better at asking that question in the moment; I remain conditioned, like the beaten dog, to assume that I’ve done something wrong, already wincing and slinking off with my tail between my legs.

Why can I handle this so well at work but not elsewhere?

Whatever. The writing workshop I was looking forward to tomorrow was just canceled, so I will have the luxury (hah) of a day to think about all this useless crap in my psyche.  A rotten ending to a rotten, insomnia-ridden week with brief bright spots that seem so far away now. I fucking hate Mercury in retrograde, and I’m none too fond of myself right now, either.

stumble down stairs

Nothing of note for me to note as the world shifts. I doze on the train to work; I work; I doze on the train from work; I nest; I talk; I cook; I canoodle; I sleep.

It is raining lightly as midnight approaches. The temperature has dropped slightly over the past few days so it is no longer ridiculously warm for January, and now only stupidly warm. As soon as it is brisk once more, I will post a photo of myself in the hat that made me make the “I want” face.

Something troubles my waking life and my dreams. I wrestle with the concept of responsibility, now that so much of my life is occupied by the intersections of strangers. Much of my job is perfect, but the moments that aren’t so perfect aren’t just dissatisfying; they can be downright upsetting. It boils down to this: most people want to do what they want, when they want.  They want to talk on their mobiles at their preferred volume and location.  They want the answer, the exact answer, immediately and without any trouble.  They do minimum work and expect maximum benefit.  They are not afraid to yell, hiss, spit, call names, threaten, or even hit.

And still I love what I do, and I believe in it.

But boy, are we a country of self-serving egocentric assholes or what?

Now we have a president who seems to know the game and have the competence and ethics to handle it.  Will we follow suit?  Will we stand up and take responsibility?  Will we pick up the $20 that someone drops and run to catch them to return it, or will we slide it into our pocket with justifications on our tongue?

In my dreams, the stage is different but the play is the same.  In my dreams, I am a monster with the power of invisibility.  I am hunted, but all I try to do is sneak around and catch people when they stumble down stairs.

podcast #7: sequels

After our “creative hiatus” of over two years, Matt is not rusty, but I sure am. In this episode, he is charming and funny, while I am bitter and annoying. My opinions on vampire novels are sure to alienate the whole family! Don’t miss this!

harder hit

Loquat “Harder Hit” from Evan Lane on Vimeo.

I am a brand-new listener of Loquat, thanks to my friend Mirth, although Last.fm tells me I heard one track of theirs years ago. It must have been while I was distracted at work.

This song gives me chills.

Loquat will play the Bottom of the Hill on Saturday, 31 January.

and scene

Once upon a time, two friends decided to podcast.  The subject: nothing in particular. The result: “… and scene.”

They took a ridiculously long hiatus for no apparent reason. But now it’s 2009, and a new episode has just been recorded …

Be prepared for this momentous occasion by subscribing to the podcast feed via RSS or iTunes.

43 things personality quiz

I can get behind “organized” and “self-improving”, but “tree-hugger”? Because I recycle and use cloth grocery bags? Hmm. At any rate, this looks like an interesting book.

I took the 43 Things Personality Quiz and found out I’m an   Organized Self-Improving Tree Hugger

guidelines for living

I am a list-maker, not a rule-maker, so resolutions are not my thing. Instead, I will continue to focus on this list of guidelines for living my life.

1. Zen Buddhism: “Be present in the moment.”
2. The Golden Rule: “Hurt not others in ways that you yourself would find hurtful.”
3. Occam’s Razor: ”All other things being equal, the simplest solution is the best.”

What are yours?

uncle jay explains 2008

From da zhuang: this amusing 2008 year-end wrap-up from Uncle Jay Explains the News.

last year

Instead of the 40 questions meme I did last year, I am doing another: post the first sentence for the first post of each month for 2008 (skipping tumblelog posts):

• 2007, neatly bisected into “without him” and “with him”, allowed me the clearest of Before and After photos. ["this is the new year"]
• Words written and rewritten in order to transmit the intangibility of learning an intangible subject fade as they are saved. ["intersection"]
• Pennies. ["pennies"]
• The last thing I want to write about is the first thing on my mind these days. ["symptomatic"]
• What I will/won’t miss about my flat: ["missing"]
• As I was about to post to my various “status dumps” today, I noticed that I have become mired in my own narrow-minded view of what this website should contain. ["on length and depth"]
• My social software habits have become dreadful. ["one month of gratitude"]
• It is gray inside the building today, which reminds me of December, which in turn reminds me of last December and my last job. ["nostalgic"]
• Since I haven’t been around much lately, I’ll point you in the direction of two places you can find me more often: ["elsewhere"]
• There is no better phrase for it: I am burned out. ["burnout"]
• If I disappear for a few weeks, don’t worry: I am participating in National Novel-Writing Month, a/k/a NaNoWriMo. ["brute force"]
• Holidailies is a community writing project which begins this Friday. ["guesswork"]

Well, that didn’t come anywhere close to summing up my 2008.  It was a brutal year, full of tumult and chaos and clarity. So many of us went through so much. In 2008, I got a new job, took control of my myriad health problems with a gluten-free diet, moved in with my beloved, helped my mom recuperate from major surgery, went to Scotland for the first time, got engaged, and voted for a president I truly respect and admire — who won! These significant external changes spurred significant internal ones. I let go of things I expected always to hang onto, and in the process, lost a lot of fear about the future and my place in it.

Most importantly, I let go of a way I was perceiving myself that no longer fit. In fact, I don’t think it ever fit.  With that false perception gone, I started to see myself as I really am, and started to believe the good things that people say to and about me. I still cringe a little as I write this, but I believe that I am a good person who loves other people and treats them well. With that belief in place, good things are sure to follow.

I wish for good things for all of us in 2009. To this end, I would like to share this Buddhist prayer from Zenju Earthlyn Manuel:

May the heavy become light,
May what’s ill become well,
May what’s violent become peace,
May rage be settled,
May the idea of enemy be banished,
May actions be filled with sincere purpose,
May wellness be illuminated,
May gifts be recognized,
May all that we know to be love, pour out and overflow wherever it is needed.

[ETA: I forgot to mention my gluten-free diet as one of my major external changes. I added it above.]