one, weak

if i make it through this week, i will have made it through a very long yet short, confusing yet simple week.

on sunday, i learned more about the difference between meaning and interpretation, particularly in the tricky area of online-based communication. it occurred to me that i’ve been chatting online in one form or another since i got my first modem, in 1987, and i still haven’t gotten any better at some things. in fact, i may be getting worse.

i cried on monday. not because i was sad, but because i got frustrated with myself not being able to articulate something very important to chad. i was reminded that there are still gaps between our brains, no matter how connected we seem to be, no matter how good at communicating i seem to be.

on tuesday, i bet both on and against myself and lost. i slept a lot and had a feeling of dread about singing a stupid song.

wednesday brought dogstar back, and then further away again. i don’t like this new orbit, but if the wisdom of the ages and of the chain-letters is to be believed, it’s for a reason. i tend to believe that none of this is for any cosmic reason, that we are blunder after wonderful blunder, and no, that’s not depressing. it just means i don’t find any comfort in the concepts of fate or of karma. i do, however, find comfort in laughter, and i had plenty of that wednesday night.

on thursday, i made people laugh. i also caused a misunderstanding between two of my acquaintances, and i reminded myself that you can resolve the past without attacking or invalidating it. it’s harder, but it can be done.

and today? i said goodbye to captain ahab, my favorite bus-driver, since he’s switching lines on monday. i made tentative saturday plans with sarah. i was a source of strength for an old friend; i tried to repair the confusion with the acquaintances. i got silly and loud at lunch with my coworkers. mostly i am feeling unfinished, dizzy, skeptical, irregular, and like my head is two sizes too big.

swan topiary,
wine, lemon trees, a mission:
sonoma, last time.