like i fit

This journal has been replaced with Ray Bolger‘s crystals. Let’s see if anyone notices.

I thought a lot about writing something deeply profound and utterly romantic yesterday, but the truth is, I am neither of these things. At times, I am thoughtful and sentimental, but that isn’t the same.

Yesterday was a long day, and it was not profound, and it was not romantic, and my right eyelid is still twitching, and I kinda redesigned my mom’s website but not really.

I am looking forward to spending time with Ergazork tonight, shopping for boy clothes. I so rarely get to shop for boy clothes. The MSG never needs my help picking out great clothes for himself.

Last night, I walked past the antiques shop, the one I always walk past to gawk at the beautiful old black telephone in the window, and the telephone was gone. The whole arrangement was different, furniture and things I hadn’t seen before, much more modern than the telephone. It was like the telephone hadn’t ever existed; parts of my life are disappearing, like leaves slowly sinking in a lake. But were they really part of my life, or just things I wanted once and dreamed into being until I loosened my grip?

Sleep deprivation makes green very loud. I moved the green flashlight in my office out of sight because it was screaming at me. I try not to look at the wet lawn or dancing leaves.

The telephone in the window cost $345. $345 was printed in black letters on a small white tag that hung from string on the rotary dial. I liked that price because it was something I couldn’t afford, and its digits were sequential. Maybe I liked that price as much as I liked the telephone itself. It fit, for a time. Like I fit.

7 thoughts on “like i fit

  1. I’d be willing to trade ya the loud green for the mellow red, if you’d like. Cause I look at green, and I think of the outside world. Then I shudder in terror and flee into the safe realm that is cyberland.


  2. Ray Bolger’s Crystals??? I think I need my binoculars to see how far that went over my head.

    Who says you have to be those things to write about them… Bradbury and many others were not scientists but wrote great SciFi. Not being one is probably to your benefit. Start writing.

    Rotary phone? Where would you connect it to make it work? I think my parents might have one if you really want one. Its vintage is late 50’s-early 60’s and probably not as nice as the one you had your eye on. I’ll see if they still have it when they quit being snowbirds and if they’re willing to part with it.


  3. Do you believe telephone companies (landline) charge you to have touchtone service? My phone company charges me 18 cents each month. Why 18 cents? Doesn’t it cost more than 18 cents to add it to my bill? It irks me that they automatically assume you want touchtone service and conveniently forget to tell you there is a charge to have it. A friend of mine asked his phone company why don’t they charge customers to have rotary service. They couldn’t give him a straight answer. One would think the phone company would want to eliminate rotary service so they could cut their expenses and stop jacking up charges every three months for basic services. 😦


  4. What’s wrong with being thoughful and sentimental? I find it endearing. The greater part of most people’s lives are taken up with mundane preoccupations. Why should you be any different? At times, you are profound and romantic to a degree that most people never achieve, but I don’t visit your journal expecting some sort of performance. I made a similar comment long ago in the journal of a mutual friend of ours, Malice. I think your feelings of alienation are a consequence of being an exceptional person. Everyone has an instinctive desire to fit in, to belong. Most people are intolerant, sometimes of even very small differences. Keep on trying to be profound and romantic. Few people can do it better than you can. … 🙂 … Don’t let yourself be distressed by the perpetual retreat of the mirage of general acceptance.


  5. I agree with what’s been written above : I very much enjoy reading your journal pages, as well as the rest of your site, as you _are_ an exceptional person, and your insight into your life and what you see around you gives each of us here who read it something to think about to liven up our own lives or inspire us to do things we wouldn’t’ve thought of doing – I know I’ve borrowed many of your ideas and used them in all sorts of different ways.I hope our supportive and positive thoughts expressed here help lift your own spirits as much as yours lift ours – I think we’ve all noticed a distinct downturn in your mood, and I hope an upturn is just around the corner (you need to be wearing 3D glasses for the full effect, if not you only perceive it in one-half D…).

    “Keep on passing the open windows…” to quote Mr F. Bulsara R.I.P. circa 1984.



    a.k.a. “fallingman”


Comments are closed.