misanthrope

Hello there. I have made almost no NaNoWriMo progress, but still feel like writing, putting something down on the page, as it were, despite this not really being a page or even down.

Lately I have felt so full of disappointment in human beings, myself included. It started with the rejection of my graduate school application. Granted, I submitted only one, and granted, the economy went and exploded, and granted, there are many reasons why this could have happened, but for a while I could only see a big fat FAIL when I looked at myself.

I’m not used to doubting my brains, not because I think I am more intelligent than I am, but because I have always been good at assessing where I stand on the intelligence spectrum. So while I probably wasn’t rejected on the grounds of qualifications (over a decade in the field already) or recommendations (both people told me their letters were quite positive), my GRE scores — while not bad, still weren’t great — might have counted against me. The kicker is that when this particular grad school called me to ask the status of my application — which they did multiple times — an admissions person was actually surprised when I said I was submitting GRE scores, and said they weren’t necessary, despite what the admissions requirements said.  Well, I had already gone and signed up and studied, I might as well go through with it, I said. Dumb, dumb, dumb.

Anyway, I have loads of writing rejection experience, so this is just another letter for the pile. It’s not about me as a person, yadda yadda, it’s about fit, yadda yadda, and I’m picking myself up and getting back on the proverbial horse which, by the way, is probably the same horse I just resurrected after kicking it multiple times.

And then there’s my unpleasant feelings about other human beings right now.  I want to mention something here so I can let it go: if you are an anti-Prop-8 person who finds it appropriate to scold me for accepting a marriage proposal from a member of the opposite sex, don’t email me. Don’t call me. Don’t tweet at me. Don’t talk to me, period. I am also against Prop 8, which makes me your ally, and alienating your allies during a gigantic all-out fight for what is Right and Good and Just is remarkably short-sighted, not to mention ignorant. Capisce?

I am tired of pretty much everyone right now, with one notable exception. It must be fun being him when I’m like this. Unmitigated, joyous fun. Except for the fun part.  And the joy, too. Probably no joy.

So what do you do when you’re covered in crappy feelings for yourself and others?

8 thoughts on “misanthrope

  1. Wendy

    I’m sorry about your grad school application, that sucks. Luckily, WAY less homework, right? I mean, there’s always a slightly dim, faded, flickery bright side to things, right? As for getting on your case about getting married, well, stupid people are stupid, what can I say? If us “no on 8” people weren’t so stupid, we probably would have fought harder, voted more, and then we would be congratulating ourselves, instead of feeling guilty and angry and taking it out on you. I can ship you some microworms, if it’ll make you feel better. It always seems to put my fish in a better mood.

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  2. What do I do? I don’t really know what I do, I just keep doing until i get past it. No plan, no idea for when or how. I just go and do, what do I do and where do I go? I haven’t a clue. Right now I am angry and depressed in some form. My kid has been sick sense I went back to work and sense I stopped BF’ing her and I feel like it’s all my fault she’s sick all the time and we are all miserable, because I stopped doing that and because I went back to work. I spend more money now then i did when I didn’t work and I’m not even sure working is benefiting anything besides our 401k which is of course important. So I’m feeling like I’ve made a bunch of wrong decisions even though at the time my gut said to do what I did. So I’m depressed and angry and frustrated. But I just will keep going, and I know eventually I will come out on the other side. Maybe it’s just that one little bit of knowledge that keeps me going. I know in life there is good and bad, down and up and it’s just a matter of time before you hit one or the other.

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  3. Do something good for someone else. Preferably something that they won’t even know that you did. You don’t even have to know the person. Repeat until you are cured.

    I know it ‘s weird. But it works.

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  4. Sorry to hear about not getting into grad school, chica. It’s totally their loss because you would’ve been an amazing student. And anyone who is dissing you for getting engaged and yelling at you for being in a happy hetero relationship a) doesn’t know you, or else they’d know you’re totally an ally, and b) is as bad as the Yes on Prop 8 folks. They’re discriminating against you just as they’ve been discriminated against, and it’s so ironic it’s dumb.
    Oh, and I tend to lock myself in my room, pull out a random box of comics, and than start plowing through them. Being able to lose myself in the Marvel/DC universe always helps me unwind, and it allows me to go back to when I first got those comics, which opens a flood gate of memories of happier times.

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  5. David

    What do I do when I’m frustrated at the world? I usually cocoon myself inside my house with a book or DVD and a bag of M&Ms until the feelings pass. Probably not the kind of advice you’re looking for 😦

    As for the anti-8 people blowing you static, Albert Einstein said it best…”Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.” The stuff I read about some of the anti-8 people make me think many of them are as unenlightened, uninformed, selfish and bigoted as the pro-8 people. Maybe if we can somehow get all the anti-8 idiots and the pro-8 idiots in the same room, they will cancel each other out like matter and anti-matter. Then the level headed people that remain can work it out and find the middle ground. Be happy and enjoy your proposal, engagement, and marriage, and ignore the idiots.

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  6. print all negative comments on a t-shirt and wear it once all the dust has settled, making sure that the commenter is present to witness it, natch.

    another option is to get handkerchiefs printed. that way, it’s easier to rub their noses in it.

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  7. um, i know this post is about your feelings about not being accepted to grad school, but, uh, well, this teeny tiny lil wee sentence poked up at me and caught my interest in that it read “ACCEPTED MARRIAGE PROPOSAL!!!!” i know i’m a little out of the loop, but then i see your goodreads updates. and well, shit, CONGRATULATIONS!

    grad school can suck it right now.

    it’s all about the love.

    can’t wait to hear all about it!

    HEART YOU!
    charbot

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