Day 47 of Project 365: By the Bay.

File Feb 16, 22 19 08

Almost two decades ago, I wandered around San Francisco in awe, occasionally pinching myself in case it was all a dream.

It was, sometimes, but mostly it was real.

Before we left for Scotland, I had grown so tired of living in this reality. A large part of that was feeling continually disappointed by San Francisco’s infrastructure, and trapped into relying upon it.

Today when I saw San Francisco I felt like I was seeing an ex for the first time after we had gotten over each other, after our feelings had transitioned into warm regard, from a distance. I could see all the beauty without my own needs wrapped up in it. I also had two very different conversations with two long-time friends who each have their own relationships with San Francisco. None of it is as simple as I once thought it must be.

Around dusk, I took the same bus across the bridge that I used to take home from work sixteen years ago. Nearly everything about my life has changed since then, but I was on the same bus, and as the bus exited the freeway, that same anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach returned. Just for a moment, and then it was gone again. Nearly everything has changed. I love that about my life. And now I love visiting San Francisco too.

Writing from: a grateful room in Marin. Listening to: FunkyPlaid and Zen drifting off to sleep.

Published by Halsted M. Bernard

An ever-molting black swan. Reader, writer, library director, over-enunciator. Listening + Unlearning. Opinions are my own. She/her. #BlackLivesMatter

4 thoughts on “Day 47 of Project 365: By the Bay.

  1. As someone who knew you back then, who lived in SF during the same time — my life has been upended more times than I care to count, and yet I curiously seem to fall upwards.

    I’m really glad that I’ve stayed in touch with you since then.

  2. I loved reading this. My memories of SF are so brief and very bittersweet. My old boss recently asked if I had plans to come back, and I was at a loss. I have no real plan right now, but more than that, when it comes to SF, it is just very complicated.

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